It’s the one question that I’m sure you’re dying to ask. Why did I choose divorce? Well the truth is
I Didn’t.
My ex did. I could go into “well I would have, well maybe I might have, well what if” but ultimately, none of those matter. This is my reality. This is where I’m at right now. No amount of “what if’s” will change anything.
I was simply… a passenger in the ending of my marriage. When my ex told me over our final phone call that he thinks we should just get a divorce, I didn’t argue. I didn’t scream, I didn’t cry, I just agreed.
If I’m totally honest with the situation, I was pretty much done with the marriage at that point as well. A few nights before that fateful phone call, I had moved out to my parents, I couldn’t take it anymore. The sadness, the anger, the hurt, it became unbearable and I needed to get away.
I remember sending a text to my sister when I was telling her about the situation. “I don’t know how long I’ll be here for.” And genuinely, in that moment, I didn’t know how long I would be there for. I wasn’t sure if it would a day, a month, a year. But in total honesty, I didn’t think that I would be gone forever.
There was still a little bit of hope in the back of my mind that maybe I would go back, maybe he would change his ways, maybe I would stop getting hurt, maybe we could REALLY work on the relationship together, maybe, maybe, maybe. But those maybes were never meant to become a reality.
This may not be a situation I fully chose. But it’s the situation I’m in and there’s no going back.
A few questions I’m sure you’re dying to ask but are too polite to:
What if he apologized? Would you go back?
Honestly? No. All my love for him died the minute he divorced me over a phone call. There is nothing to go back to. It’s broken, it’s done.
Has he tried to reach out?
Yes. A few times.
What did he say?
One of the words that he used several times was “unspeakable.” “I’ve done unspeakable things to you.” Which yes, is true, but it’s not so much what he did say and more what he didn’t that matters. “I’m sorry, I’ll stop hurting you, I love you, how can I be a better man for you.”
None of that was said. If I’m honest, it seemed more like he was only reaching out to clear his own conscious. He wanted me to give him closure. But in truth, I don’t owe him that. I owe myself respect and love through this time. And I’ve already gotten my closure with him. On that phone call. I don’t need anything else.
Did I ever reply to him?
No. Again, I’ve gotten my closure. And I don’t owe him that. You may disagree and that’s fine. You have a right to your opinion. But this a boundary I’ve drawn for myself. This is how I’m retaining my dignity. This is how I’m healing. A conversation at this point would be pointless. We would just talk in circles like we have so many times, no conclusion would be reached, and I would end up in frustrated tears again.
But I’m done crying. I’m done over explaining. I’m done sacrificing my dignity for someone who wouldn’t do the same.
Do I still love him?
No. Not in the way I once did. Again, any romantic feelings for him died once he divorced me over a phone call. That kinda automatically destroyed any lingering feelings of love I may have had.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a complete monster. I still have compassion for him. I don’t wish him harm, but I have released him in my heart. I know he will no longer be a part of my journey.
If I do see him out in public (we do live in the same town after all) I won’t scream, I won’t glare. It will be like seeing a stranger. The most he’ll get is a polite smile. A stranger. That’s what he is now.
This is that hand I’ve been dealt. And I’ll be honest, it’s not an easy hand to deal with. But again, it’s my reality. And I decide where I go from here; will I let this break me? Or will I rise above?
I choose the latter. Everyday, I choose me. And I will continue to choose me and to choose better for myself.
Today’s Takeaway
The situation you’re in may not be your fault. But it’s your reality. No amount of avoiding will change that.
You’ve been pulled into a New Year. THIS is truly the time to say “New Year, new me.” A new you who chooses themselves, who is strong enough to walk this path, and who WILL rise above their circumstances.
Don’t let this defeat you. I have total faith in you.
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